Family counseling advice to manage the unpredictable or dangerous.

Posted Oct 13, 2017

By Dan Peters Ph.D.

I have known many adults who describe themselves as not worrying at all before having children and then found themselves worrying quite a bit after their children were born. I also know many people who worried prior to having kids, and now worry even more now that they are parents.

Of course, there is nothing more precious and important to us than our children—it’s hardwired into our DNA! The parent-child bond not to mention the commitment and responsibility mean we devote ourselves to our offspring.   This fact has not changed over time and never will.

Our early worry and fear start right at the beginning: “Is he breathing?” “Is she sleeping on her back?” ”Did he latch on?” and doesn’t ever stop regardless of age. Yes, it is our job to keep our kids safe, particularly when they are young, but it is also our job to instill a sense of competence and confidence in our children. Remember when your toddler would fall and look up at you to determine how to feel and react? Most of the time, short of a very bad fall, if you smile and say, “You are okay,” your child picks themselves up and keeps moving on. Alternatively, if a parent has that concerned and worried look on their face, the child will cry and not be okay.

When our children are young keeping them safe is not only easier but also seems to be simpler: young toddlers should not run into the street, small children should not swim without an adult, and tweens should wear a helmet when riding a bike.

As our kids get older, “dangerous” and “risky” situations appear and these will test our parental judgment. Personally, and professionally I see how we all base our parenting decisions on our own life experience and the belief system our parents taught to us.

“Can I stay out later tonight?”

“Can I go to a concert just with my friends?’

“My friends and I all want to go to the beach for the day, ok?”

“Can I go to the city with my friends?”

“Can I go to the big party? There aren’t going to be any parents but it will be fine!”

Here’s another example, parents who were given a lot of freedom as a child and adolescent, often go in one of three directions: they give their child as much freedom as they had because that’s what they know and/or they liked the freedom; they restrict their child from too much freedom because they didn’t like it and perhaps had some bad experiences; or, they try to find the middle ground and a combination of the above. I remind parents to ask this: “Why am I worried? Is this about my child or is it really about me?”

Many of you reading this have read Scott Peck’s book, The Road Less Traveled. In it, he offers some sage advice when he states that it is not the answer that we give our kids about what they are asking but that they know we care enough to think about what they are asking before we answer.

We need to remember that our kids are trying to grow, explore, become independent, and want to feel good about themselves and their decisions. We need to be aware of the message we are giving our children. As they age, they are grown up versions of the toddlers who fall and look to us about how to react. Are we conveying to our kids the world is scary and bad things usually happen? Are we discussing both the pros and cons of what they are asking to do? Are we showing them that we trust them enough to give them some freedom, maybe even a little more than we are comfortable with, to show them we believe in their ability to make good decisions? It goes without saying, that the space and freedom you give your child should be based on their chronological age, their maturity, and what you feel is reasonable.

So yes, it is normal for parents to worry about their kids. And yes, our worry and fears do impact our children and can be transmitted to them. But we can use strategies to manage situations that seem unpredictable, dangerous, or risky:

1. Take a deep breath! Count to 10 if you need to!

2. Don’t give your immediate and very first answer right away.

3. Ask your child questions about why they want to do what they are asking to do and why it is important to them.

4. Tell them that you want to take time alone to think about it, or if relevant, to discuss it with your spouse or partner.

5. Ask yourself why you are thinking about the situation the way you are and try to link it to a prior experience or belief you have in your own history.

6. Ask yourself about the consequences of saying “no” and on the flip side the what will happen if you say “yes.”

7. When you give your child/tween/teen your answer focus on the process about the pros and cons, and talk about what you are comfortable with or not and how you reached your decision.

In the end, your relationship with your child matters most. At some point, you will probably need to take a small chance and give your child more freedom than you might be ready for. We have to take risks and so do our kids (within reason). They are growing and we want them to feel confident in themselves in the world. We, as parents, are constantly growing too. We must be aware of why we make the decisions we make and why. It is often easy to say, “no” and much harder to take the time to determine what may be best for your child’s development. Remember, it is not about the answer you give them as much as it is them knowing you care enough to think about it.

I have used this guiding principle with my own kids and in my work with parents. Don’t let the Worry Monster prevent you from having an opportunity to engage in a meaningful conversation with your child or tween or teen and find the right resolution.

Effective conversation helps parents create lasting, meaningful relationships with their kids.  These 10 powerful statements can get you started on your way.

By Paul Axtell

The Pew Research Center recently showed parents across America a list of 10 skills, asking the question: “Which of these skills is most important for a child to get ahead in the world today?” The winner, by far, was communication. In fact, not only was it chosen as the most important; it beat out traditional favorites, such as reading, writing, teamwork and logic.

Perhaps this is not surprising given our over-connected, always-on world. Yet parents often don’t realize how large of a role they actually play in developing and nurturing this skill. In my book, “Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids: Creating the Relationship You Want with the Most Important People in Your Life,” I stress that effective conversation—what you say, how you say it, when you say it—is one of the only tools parents have in creating lasting and meaningful relationships with their kids.

As the father of two adult children and a grandfather to 13 in my blended family, I know that parents must be conscious of what they say and how they say it. Negative comments can often shape a conversation in a way we don’t realize and it’s important to be aware. Your words and conversationscreate your reality, your future and your relationships. What you talk about—or don’t talk about—defines your relationship. The primary conversations that surround your children are your conversations—both with them directly and with others while your children are present. And those are the conversations you have the power to change.

And you can start by using my list of the 10 most powerful things you can say to your kids:

1. I like you.

This is a different statement from “I love you.” This statement says, “I like who you are as a person.” Use them both.

2. You’re a fast learner.

Learning is natural. Young children are amazing at it. Learning is play to them. What you say to them early influences how they relate to learning later in life, when it can be more difficult or frustrating.

3. Thank you.

Simple courtesies are a sign of respect. Social skills are critical in life, and the best training for tact and grace starts early.

4. How about we agree to…

This is about establishing a few basic agreements that set the stage for how you work together within the family. Having agreements in place helps avoid common issues and provides a framework within which to solve problems when they do arise.

5. Tell me more.

This is a request for your children to share their thoughts, feelings and ideas with you. It also involves learning to listen, which is always a gift because it signals that you care.

6. Let’s read.

Reading to your kids brings so many benefits. It helps them build skills they need for success in life. It enriches your relationship and instills a love of learning. And books provide a gateway to the world—people, places and ideas.

7. We all make mistakes.

Problems happen. No one is perfect. Dealing with problems and learning from mistakes are vital life skills. When you have a moment in which you don’t live up to your own standards, it’s an opportunity to show your children how to take responsibility for mistakes and move on. Kids can beat themselves up over not meeting your expectations or not being perfect. Giving each other a little room around this is a gift for both of you.

8. I’m sorry.

It’s something you can learn to say. Better yet, learn to catch yourself before saying something that might later require an apology.

9. What do you think?

Asking for input and giving kids a chance to be part of family conversations lets them learn to exercise their decision-making skills and begin to take responsibility for their choices. Expressing what you think and asking for what you want are fundamental skills that will serve your children throughout their lives.

10. Yes.

While I do think “no” is still a viable option at times, too often parents are “a ‘no’ waiting to happen.” If you create a pattern of “yes” in your family, you’ll find that “no” doesn’t need to be said as often as you think.

To learn more about family counseling or teen counseling services, please contact us today.

Posted Oct 10, 2017

By Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D.

You may be self-sabotaging without even realizing it.

Whether you refer to it as self-defeating behavior or standing in your own way, self-sabotage can interfere with the best-laid plans and goals. Why do we do it? Turns out there are many reasons why, instead of shooting for the moon, we end up aiming right for our foot.

Self-sabotage is any action that gets in the way of your intent. On a diet? Birthday cake calories at the office obviously don’t count. Need to reach a deadline for an assignment? You’ll focus much better if you finish the next episode in your Netflix queue, right? Thinking about breaking up with your partner? You’ll get right into it after you rearrange the living room furniture first.

There are countless ways we sabotage ourselves, but procrastination, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, overeating from stress, and interpersonal conflict are among the most widely used and recognizable. These actions can be especially dangerous because they’re so subtle—you may not notice the extra cookie you’re taking or the additional drink you want to order before last call—and, at the time, they may even appear to calm you down and relax you. But as these actions increase, self-sabotage builds and can create a deep well of self-defeat that’s hard to climb out.

So, why indeed do we do Sabotage Ourselves? Here are six big reasons.

Reason 1: Self-worth. You feel undeserving of success or happiness. In an ironic twist, some of the most driven people strive to work hard and aim high because they feel they need to make up for a self-imposed sense of inadequacy. But when the fruits of their labor lead to good things—whether it be a material benefit, or increase in status or power—they make the situation worse for themselves. Why is that?

The concept of cognitive dissonance sheds some light on the answer. People like to be consistent—our actions tend to be in sync with our beliefs and values. When they aren’t, we make an effort to line them up again. If we start to rack up the victories and accomplishments, yet still view ourselves as flawed, worthless, incapable, or deficient, we pull the plug to get rid of the dissonance. If it feels bad to fail, it feels even worse to succeed.

Reason 2: Control. It feels better to control your own failure rather than the possibility of it blindsiding you and taking you by surprise. Self-sabotage may not be pretty, but it’s better than spinning out of control. At least when you’re steering the ship, going down in flames feels more like a well-maintained burn.

Reason 3: Perceived fraudulence. As the bar continues to rise—you’re promoted to a new position, you obtain higher levels of education—you feel you only have further to fall when you inevitably come crashing down. If you call attention to your triumphs, it’s more likely you’ll be called out as a fake. This is otherwise known as good ol’ impostor syndrome.

How does this manifest? You may do the bare minimum and hope it goes unnoticed. Or you may push hard and go big, but worry you’ll be revealed at any moment. Either way, feeling like a fraud easily leads you towards procrastination and diversion—if you’re faced with a task that makes you feel like a phony, it’s a lot more tempting to refresh Instagram again, research frying pans, or realize there’s no time like the present to immediately start a DIY spice rack project.

Reason 4: For a handy scapegoat. If things aren’t resolved (or when they aren’t resolved, because that’s the only option, right?) we can blame the action instead of ourselves. Of course she left me—I was never around. Of course I failed the class—I barely studied for any exams. While these reasons may be true, they are more frivolous, and easier to come to terms with and swallow than the deeper reasons we only believe to be true: Of course she left me—I’m not worthy of love. Of course I failed the class—I’m incapable of grasping the material.

Reason 5: Familiarity. Again, people like to be consistent. We even tend to choose consistency over our own contentment. If you’re used to being or feeling overlooked, mistreated, or exploited, it’s strangely reassuring to put yourself in that position. You’ve probably been there your whole life, and while you may not be happy, that which you know is preferable to the unknown.

Reason 6: Sheer boredom. Once in awhile, we self-sabotage simply to push buttons. Picking a fight and inciting drama can give a rush, but of course, these are not random acts. Sabotaging ourselves creates the familiar feeling of instability and chaos, plus, if we’re stuck at the bottom, we might as well brandish power while we’re down there.

So how can you stop sawing off the tree limb you’re sitting on? Look at the proverbial root. However your self-sabotage materializes, beat it at the root: Fear of failure.

I get a lot of raised eyebrows when I say that: Most people think of self-demolition as fear of success. But deep down, despair over achievements isn’t truly a fear of ambition and your own worth—it’s a fear of trying one’s best and not succeeding, of being personally let down and publicly humiliated as we worry that our best just might not be good enough. It’s enough to make us take refuge in DIY spice racks.

Posted Oct 10, 2017

By John D. Rich, Jr., Ph.D.

Are you a Perfectionist?

The pressure to be perfect can be a source of motivation, or a source of great anxiety. My son Josiah is on the freshman football team at his high school. He had his first game of the season on Wednesday. For almost a week leading up to that game, he was visibly nervous.

“What’s wrong, son?”

“I’m really nervous about the game. What if I don’t do well?”

“What makes you think you won’t do well?”

“I don’t know. I get really anxious before games, so what if they throw it to me and I miss it?”

“Well, then you miss it. Even the pros miss some catches.”

“Yeah.”

I am not sure whether this talk with my son worked. I know that he was nervous going into the game, and I also know that my son is particularly vulnerable to perfectionistic thinking. From my observation, perfectionist thinking is different from having high expectations and a drive to do a good job, in that the pressure to be perfect brings with it a host of negative thoughts: fears of failure (what if I mess up?),  worries about appearances (what will my teammates/coach/teacher/parents think?), and/or threats to the self-esteem (what if I’m not good enough?).

In an article published on September 15, 2017 in the Journal of Advanced Academics, two researchers investigated the connection between children’s personality characteristics, parenting styles, and what psychologists call an “achievement goal orientation.” Achievement goal orientation has been defined by John Nicholls at the University of Chicago as one’s “personal academic goals and beliefs about the causes of…success.”

Three Types of Perfectionism

1. If you have self-directed perfectionism, you don’t necessarily care what others might have to say about your performance, but you have “impractical high standards” of your own. If you don’t achieve the standards of perfection that you have for yourself, you may get very upset at yourself.
2. If you have socially prescribed perfectionism, you feel that others are putting “impossibly high standards or unrealistic expectations on [your] performance.” Notice, that it might not be true that your parents or teachers or coaches have these high expectations. It is enough if you perceive that these expectations are real.
3. If you have other-oriented perfectionism, you have “unrealistic expectation or standards for others’ performance.” You may see the connection between this type of perfectionism on the part of a parent and the second type on the part of the child who picks up on his father’s stern requirements.

In this article, we will focus mainly on the first two types of perfectionism, and how those are connected to certain personality traits, and certain parenting practices.

Personality traits

In an attempt to identify the major components of human personality, many psychologists have narrowed us down to some mixture of what they call the “Big 5” traits. Three of them are: 1) Extroversion or introversion (how outgoing are you?) 2) Agreeableness and warmth vs. quarrelsome and cold (how critical or accepting are you of others?) 3) Openness or Closed-minded (How willing are you to try new experiences?)

The other two traits are of special interest to researchers who study the pressure to be perfect, since they are related to types of thinking and goal orientations that can lead to the stress that comes with trying to adhere to unrealistically high standards. The first of those two remaining traits is conscientiousness, which describes the degree to which “individuals attend to details in their work, have high levels of effortful control, and demonstrate goal-directed behaviors.” The other trait is neuroticism, which describes the degree to which “individuals display negative affect, unstable moods, and low emotional control.”

Can you see the connection between these two traits and the two types of perfectionism above? There is a strong relationship between conscientiousness and self-oriented perfectionism. If you have pride in your work and pay attention to detail, you are likely holding high expectations for yourself. On the other hand, if you have a high level of neuroticism, you are more likely exhibiting those neurotic behaviors in response to someone else’s high expectations. The key difference is the source of the high expectations – are they your own standards, or is there someone else that you feel you have to please?

Achievement Goals

In the study of achievement goals, psychologists have identified two different ways that people can focus their attention. People who demonstrate mastery goals are more likely to take on challenges and tasks because they truly want to get better, smarter, more knowledgeable about the topic or skill at hand.

I play tennis. I don’t think I’m really all that good, but I love the exercise and the challenge. I’ll watch videos about strategy, grip, swing and body position. I pay money each week to take lessons, and I try to get as many opportunities as I can to play more. My focus is not necessarily on winning (although I do like to win), but moreso on self-improvement and the enjoyment of striving.

The other type of achievement goal is a performance goal. People who demonstrate performance goals are more interested in completing a task in order to demonstrate how smart or able they are to other people. They want to get the best grade in the class, to be the best tennis player in the group, to have the highest number of sales in the department.

The focus is not so much on self-improvement as it is on beating out everyone else, and appearing to be great to other people. Once again, the difference is the source of the motivation. Are you wanting to prove something to yourself, or to please some outside judge?

There is an important lesson to be learned from comparing and contrasting these two achievement goals. When the person with the mastery goal makes a mistake, it is information that he can use to be better. He can ask himself, “What can I do next time to do better?” He is not likely to view errors as threats to his self-esteem. The focus is on the process of improving, rather than on the outcome of success.

When the person with the performance goal makes a mistake, it is a danger to the appearances she wants to create, and perhaps a personal assault on her self-concept. Consequently, she is more likely to cheat, avoid difficult challenges, or self-handicap. Self-handicapping involves behaviors which provide a justification for failure. A student who is worried about a test can party the night before, oversleep, or “forget” to study. When he fails the test, he doesn’t have to take it to heart – he has a ready excuse that lets him off the hook.

Putting it all Together

When my son first discovered football, he really enjoyed playing. We would go outside and throw the ball around. He’d invite friends over to play two-hand touch. Somewhere along the line, he got too wrapped up in the results, and left behind the enjoyment. What I want for my son is to be more accepting of his mistakes, and just be in the sport to get better. I want his focus to be on improvement, not glory. I want him to see me as a resource and a source of support, not a judge. I want him to experience satisfaction from making progress, rather than only from success.

I’m looking for him to be conscientious – having high standards that are there as challenges to approach, rather than impossible sources of anxiety to avoid. We all need to teach our children the value of hard work and diligence, but give them room to be imperfect. This is difficult for some of us, because we want them to achieve big goals, and we believe that they can. The moral of the story is, if your goals are too big, they may shrink from them.

Parents who create family environments where “parental love and approval are perceived as conditional based on performance,” may unwittingly provide more love and praise when their child succeeds, and withhold that same level of love and interest when their child falters. Our children need us to push them forward, but they also need us to catch them when they fall.

My son, I love you. Whether you succeed or fail, I’m here. Take life on, and see what happens. There’s nothing more fun than a challenge taken on willingly, with an open mind for any result. You’ll get there, son. You’re gonna be just fine.

Posted Oct 07, 2017

By Hal Shorey, Ph.D.

Identify Underlying Relationship Issues.

My last round of blog posts centered on the idea that you can intentionally change your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors around relationships.  In this article about relationship issues, we discuss understanding your attachment style and the styles of the people you are in relationship with. Each attachment style deferentially impacts how you perceive (or ignore) interpersonal threats and challenges, the quality and intensity of your emotional reactions, and the behaviors you enact to defend yourself and regulate your emotions. By focusing on each of these areas of functioning, you can get more of what you want, and get less of what you don’t want, in your relationships with others.

In this post and those to follow, I am going to focus, not on eliminating conflict in relationships, but on helping to manage it and have it be productive. In order to do this, we need  to learn how to break those “stuck points” that keep us time and time again getting  mired in hurtful interactions.

In order to change your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships it will serve you to focus less on being right and more on what works. Consider being a pragmatist.

Time and time again in working with my clients, the issue of being right rises as perhaps the most salient factor that escalates and maintains interpersonal conflict. This is most evident in couples therapy, but the same issues apply in friendships as well as relationships at work.

In the early phases of working with a couple or family, my focus is usually on identifying the core themes that underlie the conflict. By themes, I am not talking about what each person is saying to the other, I am talking about the deep meaning underlying what they are saying. At first the themes seem complex. But, once understood, they are usually straight forward and simple. Once the simpler core themes are uncovered, changing the interaction pattern for the better becomes less daunting for everyone.

Anything can set off an argument when both parties are invested in being right and preventing the other party from getting something over on them.

For example, one member of a couple might say, “He always does what he wants… has his way…He doesn’t care what I think.” The other person, feeling misunderstood and falsely accused, might respond, “That is so not true. Just last week I asked you where you wanted to go to dinner and we went there.”  Our first person then continues, “Yeah, but that’s just because I gave you such a hard time.” The second person, now feeling flushed in the face, escalates: “That’s a bunch of BS…..” And a few minutes later, voices are raised, and the pair is making accusations and counterpoints about some other event that happened two years ago. Before you know it, both parties are feeling hurt, angry, and wounded, and the argument often ends when someone shuts down or exits the room in a furor.

The point here is that neither member of the couple is actually hearing what the other person is saying. And this is where knowing the other person’s attachment style again becomes important in relationship issues. If we knew that the person had a preoccupied attachment style, we might realize that what they were saying was “I’m angry and worry that he doesn’t care much about me anymore.” We can infer this because preoccupied people are inter personally focused, worry about security in relationships, and register any act that could be construed as uncaring as a threat.

Based on our hypothetical couple’s discussion, we might also infer that the second person has a dismissing attachment style. He responds to whether the objective facts are correct. He is most concerned with whether his partner is misrepresenting the facts or falsely accusing him. But, he knows he is right, so he cannot allow this transgression and assault on his rationality to stand. This reminds me of an old joke that goes: “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”

Our embattled dismissing partner may come back time and time to the evidence… facts of the interactions and recounted events.  His partner may come back time and time again to saying that he just doesn’t care about her or what she thinks. Before you know it, after dredging up multiple examples from years past, he is accusing her of being neurotic and crazy and she is accusing him of being self-centered, callous, and out of touch.

So, what happened to promote relationship issues?  Her message is, “I am feeling distance between us and want to know that you still cherish me.” His message is, “You are telling me that I am wrong about events that I am recounting accurately. You are trying to alter the facts to make me out to be the bad guy. You are saying that I am no good and stupid.”

Consider whether you and your partner are actually having two separate but parallel conversations.

We all know these people. They could be your favorite neighbors. They could be you or me. And, the only fact we can know for sure is that they are both right. In my own interactions with my wife, she has at times told me:

“Don’t listen to what I say, listen to what I mean.” 

Even though I am an attachment theory expert, I have to confess that it took me a couple of years to get her meaning here. In my example, if our dismissing friend could hear what his partner meant (“I’m sad and worry that you might not care as much about me anymore”), he may have been able to be on the same wavelength with her and respond accordingly. He could have replied, “I really care about you and I’m sorry that the way I interact with you sometimes doesn’t leave you feeling that way.”

Instead, his focus on the facts shows her that “he just doesn’t get it.”

He could also ask himself this question:

“What would happen if I let my partner be right?”

In other words, would he lose anything if he didn’t fight back? What would happen if he thought, “Okay. I’m going to let her get this one over on me.”

Instead, he attempts to prove to her that she is wrong about the facts… as if this would make her retract her statement… as if her knowing her error would lead her to cancel out her sad feelings or thoughts that he doesn’t care. Knowledge of human nature, however, tells us that emotions are never wrong (you are feeling what you are feeling, no matter what anyone else says). His continuing to argue the case of his “rightness” just further invalidates (i.e., you don’t have a right to feel what you are feeling) her and confirms her suspicion that he is out of touch and doesn’t care about her feelings. Now, dismissing people are pretty logical. They like rational thought processes and should be able to see that it just isn’t rational to argue to win here unless the goal is to create more distance and strife in the relationship.

So, let the other person have this one. Let go and don’t worry about how right you are. It won’t hurt you and could even give you more of what you want… a healthier and happier relationship.